26 weeks 6 days

so I found out today that I have to go see a specialist on may 2 and have an ultrasound done. They want to check out his kidneys and see if there is still water around them, and they also want to check his heart out. She said not to worry that it should clear up on its own, but it is almost impossible to not worry. Thank god my appt is may 2 which is just a little over a week away. SO I do not have that long to worry about it. I am almost 27 weeks, which is crazy. Like I have said before I have done nothing to prepare for him. SO needless to say I am scared to death. Oh well I have a feeling that everything will fall into place. My main thing is I need a car,a nd I need to have a job lined up. SO as soon as I am able to go back to work I will be. I miss having my own money,a nd car to go and do as I please. I still cannot believe I sold my car like an idiot. Oh well I guess you live and you learn. I will just have to work and save to be able to get a car. I am still worried about how I am going to financially provide for a baby. But there are tons of people out there that do it on a daily basis. SO I am going to damn well try.
PArt of me wants to move to myrtle beach and start over. But leaving my family would kill me. But on the same note I would love to move to the beach. I have always wanted to, and chris has family up there so it is not like we would be on our own. I am unsure it is just alot to think about. If I was not pregnant, it would not be such a huge decision. OF course if I was not preggo I could be working and I think that things would be alot different. But I am, and that is just how things are now. I am not unhappy about being pregnant, I am happy. It just seems as though the timing was not right. But is the timing ever right?? Do you ever really feel like you are "ready" to have a baby? I think not. And I Am a firm believer in the fact that God does not make mistakes and that everything happens for a reason acording to his plan.

My mom and I are still arguing and I am not even sure about what. It feels as though everything I do is a dissappointment to her. She thinks that Things should be done a certain way and if they are not then it is wrong. It drives me nuts. I love her death and I am so thankful for her, but sometimes we just bump heads. And lately we have been doing that alot. She is my biggest supporter, but at the same time she makes me doubt myself about alot of things. I really just do not think that I can move back home and be happy. WE get along better when I do not live there. I think she looks at me as a 15 year old kid and I am an adult. Sometimes, I forget that I am adult and still see myself as kidd. I am unsure as to how to get over that!?!?!?!

I need to make a list of all the things that I need to get done and in order before the baby arrives. I also need to make a birth plan, pack my bad for the hospital, and figure out where I am going to be living. I have alot ahead of me.