26 weeks 6 days

so I found out today that I have to go see a specialist on may 2 and have an ultrasound done. They want to check out his kidneys and see if there is still water around them, and they also want to check his heart out. She said not to worry that it should clear up on its own, but it is almost impossible to not worry. Thank god my appt is may 2 which is just a little over a week away. SO I do not have that long to worry about it. I am almost 27 weeks, which is crazy. Like I have said before I have done nothing to prepare for him. SO needless to say I am scared to death. Oh well I have a feeling that everything will fall into place. My main thing is I need a car,a nd I need to have a job lined up. SO as soon as I am able to go back to work I will be. I miss having my own money,a nd car to go and do as I please. I still cannot believe I sold my car like an idiot. Oh well I guess you live and you learn. I will just have to work and save to be able to get a car. I am still worried about how I am going to financially provide for a baby. But there are tons of people out there that do it on a daily basis. SO I am going to damn well try.
PArt of me wants to move to myrtle beach and start over. But leaving my family would kill me. But on the same note I would love to move to the beach. I have always wanted to, and chris has family up there so it is not like we would be on our own. I am unsure it is just alot to think about. If I was not pregnant, it would not be such a huge decision. OF course if I was not preggo I could be working and I think that things would be alot different. But I am, and that is just how things are now. I am not unhappy about being pregnant, I am happy. It just seems as though the timing was not right. But is the timing ever right?? Do you ever really feel like you are "ready" to have a baby? I think not. And I Am a firm believer in the fact that God does not make mistakes and that everything happens for a reason acording to his plan.

My mom and I are still arguing and I am not even sure about what. It feels as though everything I do is a dissappointment to her. She thinks that Things should be done a certain way and if they are not then it is wrong. It drives me nuts. I love her death and I am so thankful for her, but sometimes we just bump heads. And lately we have been doing that alot. She is my biggest supporter, but at the same time she makes me doubt myself about alot of things. I really just do not think that I can move back home and be happy. WE get along better when I do not live there. I think she looks at me as a 15 year old kid and I am an adult. Sometimes, I forget that I am adult and still see myself as kidd. I am unsure as to how to get over that!?!?!?!

I need to make a list of all the things that I need to get done and in order before the baby arrives. I also need to make a birth plan, pack my bad for the hospital, and figure out where I am going to be living. I have alot ahead of me.

Basics..
Full Name::
KRISTIE
Age::
25
Birthday::
JUNE 26
Eye Color::
CHOCOLATE CHIP
Hair Color::
CHOCOLATE CHERRY
Height::
TALL ENOUGH
Weight::
PREGNANT
Favorite..
Song::
HMMM...CAN'T CHOOSE JUST ONE, IT REALLY DEPENDS ON MY MOOD
T.V. Show::
ANY REALITY TV
Movie::
TOO MANY I CANNOT PICK JUST ONE
Actor/Actress::
I DO NOT HAVE ONE
Food::
MEXICAN
Drink::
SWEET TEA
Relationship..
His Name & Age::
CHRIS AND 24
His Eye & Hair Color::
BROWN AND BROWN
When did you meet?:
COWBOYS
How?:
i SERVED HIM
How long did you know each other b4 you got together?:
NOT LONG AT ALL, OUR SOULS JUST CONNECTED
What attracted you to him?:
HIS EYES
His Best Physical Feature::
TOO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM
Whats the worst thing about the relationship?:
NOTHING
Is there trust?:
OF COURSE
How often do you see each other?:
ALL THE TIME
What all, if anything,has he done for you?:
EVERYTHING
Favorite time or memory w/ this person::
I HAVE TONS OF GOOD MEMORIES AND WE CONTINUE TO MAKE MORE EVERY DAY
Random Fact::
HE MAKES ME LAUGH HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW
Do/ Have You?
Think your attractive?:
YES
Have any pets?:
YES
Ever cheated on someone?:
NOPE
Want get married?:
YES
Want to have kids?:
CURRENTLY PREGNANT
Have any tattoos or piercings?:
YES
Friends
Best::
A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT ONE
Most Talkative::
IDK
Quietest::
IDK
Most Mature::
IDK
Most Immature::
IDK
Smartest::
IDK
Dumbest::
IDK
Most Carefree::
IDK
Most Trustworthy::
IDK
Most Random::
IDK
Prettiest::
IDK
Most Shy::
IDK
This or That
Summer/Winter::
SUMMER
Pepsi/Coke::
PEPSI
Car/Truck..What kind?:
CAR/350Z
Black&White/Color::
COLOR
Vanilla/Chocolate::
CHOCOLATE
Day/Night::
BOTH HAVE THERE UPSIDES
Love/Money::
LOVE
Hugs/Kisses::
KISSES AND HUGS

I feel so blah today. not emotionally, just appearance wise. It is gorgeous outside and I want nothing more than to be able to take a shower, slip on a pair of shorts, and a cute tank top. But I cannot! I cannot fit into anything clothes wise, my arms are huge and flubbery. I want to be able to go lay in the tanning bed and I can't! I feel like I look utterly disgusting. I need an eyebrow wax, I am starting to look like chewbacca!

Venting!

Look I undersatnd that she is your ex wife and that you have to talk to her about the kids. But damn, I mean she calls as much as I do. Not to even talk about the kids. She calls you on her break from work, just to talk. Then you tell her that you are about to leave and she asks where are you going and who are you meeting!! IT is none of her business. IT kills me that she calls you to talk about her current relationship problems! She needs to find someone else to vent to about that. WE have enough going on in our life then for her to be calling you about them. IF it concerns the kids then I have no problems with it at all. But her calling just "to talk" makes irriatated as hell.
she needs some boundries when it comes to talking to you. I mean she did take a restarining order out on you. WHY?!?!?! just so she can do what she wants and we cannot say anything back?!?!?! I cannot stand her, she shows no respect for you or for me. I mean everytime she sees you she asks you where "your little whore" is. Referring to me. The more I type the more it pisses me off.

worry is the greatest catalyst

So today I seem to have alot on my mind. I am just stressed out to the moon and back. I am so scared about not being able to provide for my baby financially. I just have no idea how I am going to do it. I am living in my parents house, I am uanable to work. I have no money and I have so much left to buy. I have not even bought one bottle. I have no idea how I am going to buy diapers, be able to take care of him, and get on my feet. I am thankful that my parents are letting me live here. I Am thankful that I have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I am just scared about what my future holds as far as finances go. Like I said before I am thinking about going to school but I just have no idea how I am going to go to school, support myself, and support a child. I am recieveing wic at the moment. So that helps.
I am also worried about my SO as of next weekend he is not going to have a roof over his head. And he does not have the mean of getting a place to live. It worries me greatly. I love him so much and want nothing more than for us to have our own place and be able to handle the responsibilities of life. If I could work it would help us greatly, but I cannot untill after I have the baby. All I can is pray, I know that God will work things out. He always does. I need to remember that instead of focusing on the worries so much.
I feel helpless and that there is nothing I can do at the current moment to help our situation.

26 weeks today

I cannot believe that I am already 26 weeks far along. I have only 14 weeks (98 days ) left untill my due date. I Am not obsessed with how much time I have left, I just see my tickers on a normal basis...lol. I feel like I am not prepared at all. But I guess that is how all mothers feel before their baby is born. I am also assuming that is what baby showers are for!

I am still looking for a name. So far I like dylan. But I have a long list. I need to go just spend some time at a book store or online and write down everything I like! Then choose from the list. Picking a name for someone is a HUGE decision, I mean it is something that is going to stick with them for the rest of their lives. I want to make sure that I pick something that is manly & unique but, not too odd!

I have also spent alot of today looking into online colleges. I have looked at a couple different programs. I looked at wedding planning, and medical transcriptionist. I have also looked into KSU and their nursing program. I know that I want to go to school agian. I am just not sure if I want it to be The rn program at KSU or if it would be easier to go thru an online program. with the online program I would get done faster. But I wonder if the pay as an RN would be worth the 4 years. Which I am sure that it will be. I guess the question is more of am I going to be able, and willing to stick to it for 4 years. The time is going to pass anyways. SO I can either do it without working twords a degree or not. I have also wanted to go into the medical field. I guess it is somehting that is inside of me. But on the other hand I am also a very creative person and might need somehting that will give me a little more option artistically. And not so much routine. I love routine but loath it at the same time. That is why I think that being a wedding planner would be a cool job. Either way, what ever I decide to do I need to do something. Because I sure as crap cannot support a family by serving tables. well I mean I could, but that IS not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have expensive taste and I want to be able to have what I desire, plus give my child the life that he deserves.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today, and I love it. I wish like hell that I could go to the park and run. But I Am not able to do that. AT least whe then pool opens I will be able to float around in there!